Affiliate marketers have a large array of products to choose from to promote and all too often, they seem to go for the scammy, quick-buck products that you see all too often on the Internet and in your email box. I recently covered one such womans’ product and will now address the issue of scam products being marketed to men. The following is a horror story of one man’s experience with penis enlargement pills.

From: Lela Janna
Sent: Monday, April 26 11:32 PM
Subject: Ur Diicky Is So Smaall chief vibratile freeloader

The world most–effecctive male enhance-ment pi11

Increase the length of your DICCKY by 2-5 full inches

Thicken ur DICCKY and make it much fuller & harder

CLICK HERE TO ORD.ER NOWW!

At first, I was hurt. “What’s wrong with the size of my DICCKY?” I thought to myself. “No woman has ever made fun of my length, nor my girth.”

“At least, not to your face,” added my ruthlessly cruel self-esteem.

Just as few women are happy with their breasts, I think most guys are unhappy with their penises, which is why they beat them so often. And we wouldn’t be receiving up to forty “penis enlargement” e-mails a day if there weren’t so many guys buying these solutions. So I’m trying a little experiment: I’m going to start taking these penis pills, and report what happens.

I spent an unbelievable amount of time scouring the Web for the best penis enlargement product. This was a difficult task, because every penis enlargement product is “the best.” Every single product is also “guaranteed,” and offers “permanent results.” I had to look at many disgusting photos — such as this one, which is guaranteed to make every man wince:

After a few hours of browsing these sites, I have the impression that we are a nation of men with microscopic organs that can only be located with the aid of powerful electron microscopes. The average penis size, I found out, is between 5.5 and 6 inches — but apparently women want lovers who need to drape their penises over a hook at night, lest they get all tangled up in their penis as they sleep.

“How long do you continue to take VIMAX PILLS?” asks the Web site for Vimax, one of the 25,000 penis pills on the market. The surprising answer: “Our recommendation is when you get to 8 inches stop taking VIMAX PILLS but the choice is up to you.” But what if you don’t stop at 8 inches? I could just imagine my penis growing to 44 or 45 inches in size, long enough to get the leaves out of my gutters in the springtime. That would be awesome.

But wait, there’s more! In addition to “mind-blowing orgasms” and “improved sexual stamina,” some pills can also “triple the amount of semen you produce.” This is from prosolutionspills.com, which promises, “it will flow out all over your girlfriend drowning her in your semen. The power of your ejaculation will improve so when your orgasm is ’shoots out’.” That’s a direct quote. I think that all of us want improve so when our orgasm is “shoots out.” I know I do.

But I needed a real guarantee. I didn’t want gains of “up to” “3+ inches,” in “as little as” “several weeks,” I wanted a hard and fast claim, if you’ll pardon the expression. Either the penis pills delivered, or they didn’t. Finally, while doing a Google search for “penis enlargement” (which currently returns 1.3 million results — try it yourself), I found this sponsored ad.

Bingo! I will either gain 2 inches, 3 inches, or 5 inches within 60 days. It’s guaranteed. I can’t lose.

I can’t wait until this stuff arrives. Just think of the look on Lela Jenna’s face, when I’ve packed on an additional 2, 3, or even 5 inches.

I’m telling you, the woman never should have made fun of my DICCKY.

What’s the average penis size?

Did I really need a longer penis? I was faithful to my wife, after all, and she hadn’t complained so far. But then my terrible self-esteem started to nag at me, and I had to get out a ruler … just in case. I had to figure out where I stood on the bell curve of penises (which, to be really accurate, would need to be curved slightly upward).

So, what is the average penis size? The famous Kinsey Sex Report, considered by many to be the authority on such matters, says the average Snausage “is between 5 and 7 inches when erect.” A more recent study by Lifestyles Condom Company, who I figure have seen more penises than the Kinsey people, puts the average at 5.877 inches. They obtained this figure by sending a team of nurses to Cancun during spring break, and having them measure the erections of hundreds of partying college students (sadly, I’m not making this up).

But what about width? In 2001, the University of Texas Pan-American put out a research paper entitled “Penis Size: Survey of female perceptions of sexual satisfaction.” They surveyed 50 sexually active female undergraduates (making it the sexiest research paper ever) on whether length or width was more important to sexual satisfaction. My favorite line of the article is, “None reported they did not know,” making me sad that I did not go to the University of Texas Pan-American. A surprising 90% (or 45 out of the 50 coed sluts interviewed) reported that width is more important.

So maybe the ultimate penis shape, I thought, is a tuna can: one inch long and five inches wide. Somehow I don’t think so. You never hear women moaning, “Oh, give it to me wide. Give me several inches more in diameter.”

It turns out that you measure width by going around your penis. I discovered that this is difficult, unless you have one of those cloth tape measures that dressmakers use — but if you own one of those things, you’re probably not the kind of guy worrying about his penis size. At any rate, I tried to use my Craftsman tape measure, because I thought some of its testosterone would rub off on me. Unfortunately, I lost my grip on it and the tape measure snapped shut, seizing a patch of sensitive skin in its iron jaws.

After I finished screaming, I finally ended up using an ordinary ruler, and here are my measurements:
Length: 5.875 inches
Width: 4.125 inches

Do you see why I need these penis pills? I am .002 inches smaller than the national average, which is humiliating. Curse my parents and their recessive penis gene!

On the bright side, I found an easy way to gain an extra half-inch: simply push the ruler into your abdomen. Using this trick, I am now over six inches, or well above the average penis length.

But let’s be honest. I’m one foreskin shy of the national average. I was kind of bummed out about this, until I saw a picture of Michelangelo’s “David” on one of the penis enlargement Web sites. After all, David is the idealized male figure. You don’t get more perfect than Dave. I spent several minutes today examining myself in a mirror next to a picture of David. I estimated that, if David were normal human size, his flaccid penis would be approximately 2.5 inches long. I RULE! My flaccid penis is bigger than David’s! YOU MAY BE IDEAL, BUT I’M PACKING MORE VEAL!

I will admit he has better abs.

The penis pills arrived! The penis pills arrived!

As soon as my penis pills arrived in the mail, I opened the bottle to find that the safety seal was broken. I thought this was kind of gross. I mean, if you’re going to sell a non-regulated, quasi-legal medication, the least you can do is glue down the safety seal. On the other hand, it did give an element of added danger to the experiment. I dumped out my Magna-RX pills on the counter, inspecting them carefully for used hypodermic needles, or anthrax.

Then I started to get nervous. A lethal dose of penis pills would be one of the worst ways to die, because you know they would have to mention it in the obituary. It would be like a game of retarded Clue: “Hargrave the Humorist, in the Library, with the penis pills!“

Fearfully, I checked the ingredients label to see just what I would be eating over the next 60 days.

“Horny goat weed” was near the top of the list. “Horny” and “weed” don’t bother me, but “goat”? Could we find a more sexy animal? (I’ve always been partial to monkeys.) I did a little research into goat sexuality, and discovered several Web sites that I will hopefully one day be able to forget with the aid of costly hypnosis. After I scrubbed my eyes with Ajax, I eventually discovered this diagram of the average goat penis:

AHHHHH! What the hell is that long thing? Is it a tongue? Will my penis grow a tongue? I was pretty weirded out by this drawing, but gradually the idea grew on me (no pun intended). Sure, it looks disturbing, but there’s no doubt that a goat penis would be infinitely more pleasurable for her. Check that thing out! In fact, I can’t believe that more ladies aren’t getting it on with goats. Apart from the bleating, the smell, and the chewing of tin cans, I’ll bet goats would make excellent lovers.

But the most disturbing thing was yet to come. There were several enclosures with the penis pills, including a sheet of instructions. Imagine my shock and horror when I read instruction #3:

First, if tugging your penis for five minutes a day really worked, then I think every man on the planet would be the size of a military flagpole. Teenagers, especially, would be able to jump rope with their own penises.

Second: they never said I would have to tug my penis for five minutes a day. This is more time than I was planning on spending on my penis. Can’t I hire someone to do this for me? I asked my wife if I could delegate this task, but she wasn’t wild about that idea. And unfortunately my vacuum cleaner is broken.

So this morning, I gathered up my courage. I popped my first non-FDA-approved penis pill, and spent five minutes in the shower doing my “exercise.” And I have to say, it’s the first exercise I’ve ever done that ended in orgasm. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all.

Week 1 Results

First of all, the penis pills smell weird, like a combination of old man’s vest and Rosie O’Donnell’s workout bra. But more disturbing, my urine has started to take on this same smell, especially in the morning. It’s a little bit nasty, but I continue to press on in the name of science. You never heard Marie Curie complaining about getting poisoned by massive exposure to radiation, at least until she was about to die. Then she bitched non-stop.

Second, you have to do this ridiculous “exercise regimen,” which basically involves holding your penis out for five minutes. It’s not as fun as it sounds. Now, if I could hire a personal trainer — preferably from the U.S. Women’s Olympic Volleyball Team — then the exercise would not be quite so boring. I have better things to do with those five minutes, such as sleeping, but I continue to follow the prescribed regimen. I have learned to save time by stretching my penis while shaving, or while on the poo-pot.

Third, and possibly most disturbing, is that I have become increasingly sexed-up. I noted in my last update that the penis pills contain an ingredient called “horny goat weed,” and I think I have fallen under its spell of horniness. Several nights ago, for instance, I had a dream in which my grandmother was performing oral sex on me. Considering that my grandmother has been dead for nearly eight years, I think you’ll agree that this is pretty disgusting. I mean, why couldn’t it have been my maternal grandmother? She’s hot.

But the real question is: do guys need anything to help them get horny? I mean, this is the sex that buys not just Real Dolls, but used Real Dolls. (Personally, I would never buy a used Real Doll. Those chicks are total sluts.) I’m not saying that lots of you ladies aren’t sexpots, but, you know, guys are sexpigs.

Some of you men are now thinking, “I should get my woman to take this!” First of all, how are you going to convince her to take this thing for a week? I mean, you could tell her it was a multivitamin, but that would be dishonest. And with that nasty-ass rank, she’s not going to buy that it’s a Flintstone’s Chewable, even if you chisel it into the shape of Wilma and paint it blue.

Also, do you really want to give your woman a penis pill? I mean, just on the off-chance that these do work, I wouldn’t want my wife sporting a wiener. Although I’ll probably have a dream about that tonight.

So, here are my current measurements:

Original length: 5.875 inches
Original width: 4.125 inches
Current length: 5.875 inches
Current width: 4.875 inches
Length increase: 0%
Width increase: 18%

So, what do you know? I haven’t grown longer, but I’ve grown wider. Just like Marlon Brando. In fact, I’m going to start referring to him as “Li’l Brando.” Li’l Brando, and his two sons, Sonny and Fredo.

Look out ladies. I am going to be the widest man on the planet. I’ll be like a chunk of deli salami.

Week 4 results

My previous measurement showed that I had not added any length, but I had gained width, which made me wonder if I’d soon resemble a tree stump, which would give new meaning to the term “sporting wood.” To get a second opinion, I asked my wife whether she had noticed any difference. “I think so,” she said, wincing slightly. The wince was not terribly encouraging. A jaw hitting the floor, one or more eyes popping out of the head, or the curling of toes are generally better non-verbal cues when discussing penis size.

But one thing all these penis enlargement Web sites talk about is feeling more self-confident “in the locker room,” and on that point they’re right. I now make it a point to unspool the garden hose whenever I go to the gym. I’m that guy, the one who stands naked on the scale for up to fifteen minutes at a time. Sometimes I will sneak up behind someone seated on a bench, whip it out, and thwack! On the head, like a boomerang. They never know what hit them. It’s like being bludgeoned by a ham.

For demonstrative purposes, I have cut a piece of kielbasa into roughly my own length and width:

Imagine getting whacked on the head with that hunka meat! WHOCK! If it gets long enough, I can do some martial arts with it, like a soft, heavy pair of nunchucks.

But have I really grown? Last night, it was time for my three-week measurement, and here are the hard facts:

Previous length: 5.875 inches
Previous width: 4.875 inches
Current length: 5.75 inches
Current width: 4.75 inches
Length decrease: 2%
Width decrease: 2%

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I’M SHRINKING! THESE PENIS PILLS ARE MAKING ME LOSE MY LENGTH, MY GIRTH! AAACCCHHH DU LIEBER! Sure, it’s only 2% now, but in another month I could be the size of a cocktail mushroom! It could look like a little turtle poking its head out the shell!

Any male whose brain was not hopped up on horny goat weed would stop the penis pills at once — but I am determined to press on, in the name of science. Even if I end up shriveling to the size of a finger quiche, I will continue the 60-day treatment.

And frankly, I’m not worried. You know why? Because recently, I was in the produce aisle of my local supermarket, when I spied a piece of ginger root. Check it out! That’s not ginger, that’s GING-HER!

I see my piece of well-hung ginger as an omen, a portent of things to, ah, come. Look: I’ve read about those people who see the Virgin Mary in a potato chip, but this is a different story altogether. That is a root shaped like a root. This is a cosmic blessing on my penis.

Even though my wife just rolled her eyes when she saw the ginger (still better than a wince), I will continue taking my penis pills. Soon I will grow to a massive size, and then she’ll get the ginger. Oh yes. I will ging her long and hard.

Week 7 Results

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